It’s not about you

I’ve been having an ongoing discussion with a group who is by all accounts, made up of very smart eggs. The problem they’re facing however, is that while they obviously have a lot to offer others in the rescue field, their message is being constantly met with resistance.

Why? They’ve asked. Does no one look to us for leadership? We’ve got all these great ideas, but no one seems to be interested in being a part of them. We’ve spent a lot of time trying to get our name out there – why can’t we get more support?

It’s interesting, because when you ask them exactly what they’ve done it looks something like this;

– meet with people

– point out where they’re going wrong; how they’re failing

– suggest improvements

I’ve even received an email from them, the first line of which read, “we’re a new organisation, who believe that your message isn’t getting to the people who really need to hear it…”

Ouch!

So how does this make me, and the other people they’re talking to, feel do you think? To have someone come in and not only point out our flaws; but to do so without us even asking for this feedback?

Say I tell you I hate your haircut, just outta the blue. I really hate your hair… Don’t suppose you’d like to go for coffee with me now?

Didn’t think so.

Certainly, if I was a trusted friend and you asked me what I thought of your hair, I might be able to give you a sensitively worded explanation about why I liked your other haircut better. But only once we had trust and understanding, could I hope to give you constructive feedback without deep insult.

When looking to change organisations, we know organisations are run using policies. Policies need to be debated and challenged in the public domain… that’s called ‘fighting the system’. It has varying levels of success, based largely on how many people are participating. Hence the tendency for these initiatives to work, only after mainstream press or similar.

But when you’re working at the grass roots level, talking to people and imparting new ideas, that’s working with individuals and no one likes to be told they’re wrong by a complete stranger. I mean, who the hell are you and how the hell would you know?

If you’re wanting someone’s time, you’re going to have to show them that you really understand their position. Not only that, you’re going to need to develop a relationship with them that goes deeper than ‘talking at’. You don’t get the privilege to share knowledge simply by knowing more than the person you’re talking to – your earn it by building your relationship to the point where they really value your input.

Derrick Feldmann wrote an excellent piece on the topic called ‘To Get Our Name Out There’, which relates specifically to groups ‘talking at’ their donors, rather than having  a relationship with them.

He suggested four things that effective groups do to build relationships, that I see as being as relevant to those trying to bring about great change in their communities, as those looking to engage donors;

Lead with Impact. Organizations that discuss impact, tell stories, highlight people and let their work speak for itself “get their name out there” in a way that re-engages past and current donors, and ignites new donor motivations.

Focus on the cause. Organizations that spend time raising the awareness of the cause or issue they address in the community are the ones that truly do “get their name out there.”  They build awareness through programs, partnering with other organizations not to highlight themselves, but to shed light on the importance of issues affecting their community.

Let others spread the good news. Effective communicators turn to the people affected by an issue – the ones who receive services, and individuals who encounter the work of the organization – to spread the good news.  Through word of mouth, technology, and other peer-to-peer strategies, those people will tell others why the organization is relevant and important.

Show expertise. Organizations can get attention by talking, writing and performing activities that showcase the organization and its people as experts.  They spend time talking about research in the field, unmet needs and models not only of their work but of others’, too.  They compare and contrast information in a way that sends a message to those listening, prodding them to think, “The next time we need help on this issue, we know who to call.”

I like to call this, “it’s not about you”. You don’t make friends when it’s all about you. You don’t get supporters that way either. And you definitely don’t influence and engage people when it’s all about you. It has to be all about them. How are they feeling? What are their challenges? What are their daily pressures? Do they have fears? Reservations? A boss who’s an idiot? Are they motivated or have they lost their passion? Do they like their work? How can you help them?

It’s desperately important to understanding the difference between fighting the system and working with individuals when you’re spreading your message in your community. People don’t want you to talk at them – they want you to listen to them. Promoting others, showing examples of success and acting as a support to those around you will allow you to develop the relationships you need to start to engage those you seek to influence.

Something telling them you hate their hair never will.